You jokes

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

Do you know what 50 cents did when he got hungry?

58

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A Marxman.

What's the kid friendly term for Bukkake?

Baby-shower

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

Why doesn't Hitler ever get invited to a BBQ?

He keeps burning the Franks

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

If life give you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house.

Let's see that baby try and get in here now.

My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80’s bands

There is no cure

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."