Death
Is it possible to be bored to death?
That all depends on the drill.
You jokes
Father
father:how are your grades son?
son: underwater, dad
father: underwater? what do you mean?
son:they're below C level
A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double
The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.
Box
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in another box.
Dad
A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”
The son says it’s wrong
The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”
The son replies “Twenty”
Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”
Murder
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...
Luckily only one crow showed up...
Wife
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
Thing
Why is a UTI such a bad thing?
Because it means urine trouble
Popcorn
What Did the Little corn ask his mama corn?
mom wheres Popcorn
Sheep
Where do sheep get drunk in Boston?
At the baaaaa.
Thank you!
Black
What weighs more, black or gray?
Black does. Gray is a little lighter.
Password
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
Milk
Why do neo-nazis drink milk?
Because they hate juice
Son
Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...
The verb, not the adjective.
Man
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
Woman
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Fact
What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties?
I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.
Airplane noise
What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW
Job
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work
Friend
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...
... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.