You jokes

What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague?

Cancelled Czechs.

What worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?!"

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today

I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable

Barackoli

Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?

One's a rectified sanctum...

Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.

It’s Top Secret.

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...

Urinate.

Say what you like about Donald Trump

You know... while you still can.

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.

One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.