You jokes

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

I like my coffee how i like my women

WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!

I taught my wolf to meditate

He's aware wolf now

What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?

"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"

"Welcome. We're glad to have you"

Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?

I posted it here about a weak back.

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around,she started crying and getting very cranky,so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered around,she sobbed "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

Malaysian airlines 103

My friend asked me once "is Aurora Borealis heavy?"

Said no it's pretty light

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts.... ‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you’re?” A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds ‟85 years old”