You jokes

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."

This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules

Taiwan:I am China

China:No I am China

Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan

China:No you are China

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.

Apparently 1 in 3 households live next door to a pedophile

Not me though, I live next to two smoking hot 7 year olds.

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

What happens when you step on a grape?

It lets out a little wine.

The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is more specific.

Why did the French guy only eat one egg?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World

Also, I don't want to be cremated

A gay man and his male friend are hanging out at his house...

After a while of playing games, talking, and watching TV, the friend gets hungry. He turns to his gay buddy and asks:

"Hey, I am gonna order some subs, do you want any?"

The gay man replies: "No, sorry, I only do doms."

What happened to the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They got 6 months each.

Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours