You jokes

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.

"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark Asshole"

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

A drunk guy enters a taxicab...

\- Take us to the...

\- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?

Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:

\- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

What do you call a woman that has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute

I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

Put the punchline in the title

How do you ruin a good joke?

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.