You jokes

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

Why don't Natzis participate in triathlons?

Because they hate mixed races.

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

Which haircut would cost you the most?

Chemotherapy

My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet

Because he spent years at C

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?

Me: No, I’m sure most kids smell that way.

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

Why are stormtroopers so inaccurate?

Because they're imperial

A girl I met told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'