You jokes

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg!

Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy

Hope I can pull it off.

What is a pirate's favourite letter?

He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

I asked Alexa "What do women want?"

The fucking thing hasn't shut up for three days

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

How do one-handed people put on gloves?

They don't, they put on glove.

A Genie grants a wish.

I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.

The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?

I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

Three Nuns sitting on a park bench

When a man runs up and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

why does a milking stool only have three legs

because cows have the udder

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?

Because it worked.