Three men book into a busy ski lodge
So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
What's the difference between North Korea and Ubisoft?
North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as Ubisoft
*NSFW-ish* Two nuns
Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"
I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...
It was a tie...
Swinger
I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.
Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.
If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on
I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...
They would call it crucifact.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.
What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?
It's unclear
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals
It's pointless.
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.