You jokes

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Blonde Joke of the day

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?

Getting off early

I was brought up as an only child.

I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister.

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?

One has hope in her soul...

Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”

Yoda:”Off course, we are.”

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?

Me: "screams"

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: "continues to scream"

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America...

Racism can't exist if everybody's white.

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.

And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

My buddy told me he always cries after sex.....

I told him it was his fault for getting sent to prison in the first place

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."