You jokes

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

Two elves walk into a bar

The dwarf laughs and walks under it

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sat there doing nothing.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

They say a woman's work is never done

maybe that's why they get paid less.

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".