You jokes

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don ́t know what Vladimir Putin.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's is Melania's."

Rorschach

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

I farted in my church’s confession booth

I said to the priest, “Forgive me father, for I have wind.”

Why did the blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well...

Why can't kids watch the orchestra?

To much sax and violins

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

My son made it through a blood transfusion, so I bought him a 50′′ HDTV...

He loves his new plasma...

What did Zelda suggest to Link when diplomacy didn't work?

Try-force

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

My doctor tried treating me with ygolohcysp

But reverse psychology doesn't work on me

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from