You jokes

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

An Englishman, and Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are sitting in the back of a bar...

The bartender waved to them and asks, “Hey, you guys back there! Can you see me?”

The men look up and respond:

“Yes!” “Oui!” “Si!” “Ja!”

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up son. It's time to got to school!" "But mom, I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why." "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!" "That's no reason. Come now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go?" "Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

Interesting crowd. Nsfw

A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.

First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"

And finally the masochist says; - "meow".

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...

Me: Yeah but she has a good personality

If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...

I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"

Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards

Patient: And?

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

It's the little things in a marriage.

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."

Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."

Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."

I understand now why women have long hair

If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom