Jokes

Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

because Jewish women won't accept anything unless it has at least 20% off.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”

I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...

She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.

COW!

SHEEP!

When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.

"It has horns" She said

But the class was silent

"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"

Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?

Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.

Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

The world’s biggest gender reveal party happened way back in 1945

When Japan found out the US had a Little Boy

What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the batmobile!

My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters?

Short

What happens when a duck bends over?

You can see its butt quack.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roam'n catholic

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.