Jokes

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.

-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days

It will be a sadder day

What do you call a former stripper turned mathematician?

The thot that counts.

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...

People were lining up for blocks.

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?

Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

Why old men don’t get hired...

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

I started writing an abortion joke

But it never fully developed

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.

A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.

The Greek Says "You know, we invented sex." Then the Italian turn's and looks at him. "Well we brought women into it."