Jokes

Did you know Napoleon and his wife are buried next to each other?

They're only a Bonaparte

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew.

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What do you call an old ant?

An antique

What do you call a hippie's wife from the South?

Mississippi

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...

Thank you daylight savings time.

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport....

He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"

The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."

You know what, as a Jew, I'm getting really tired of these Jewish jokes.

We need to stop giving them away for free and figure out a way to monetize them.

The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

Father: Son, i donated your toys to the Orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that? Father : So you don't get bored there