A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
A guy got thrown in the jail for refusing to take a nap..
He was resisting a rest.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap...
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
When I'm sad I cut myself
A slice of cake.
A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"
The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch
The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*
Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.
What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?
One of them belongs in a bowl.
Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.
Officer 2: Hate crime?
Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
What did I see while on vacation in the Middle-East?
I Saudi Arabian Desert.
What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?
Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.
(I thought that one up myself)
I got a hand job yesterday
I'm now officially a sign language interpreter
Roses are red, cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared
Apparently only DC movies can do that
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision