Alcohol jokes

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate, " I think therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes." Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

To those who say "alcohol is not the solution":

Alcohol is a solvent. By definition, it's part of the solution.

When I drink alcohol... Everyone says that I'm alcoholic

But When I drink Fanta... No one says I’m fantastic.

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?

They can’t pass a bar.

(Credit to my Grandma’s friend)

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Doctor says alcoholism is a disease...

Bartender says get your shots here

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix

So don't drink and derive

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”

The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight. Then the son said “But I only see two.”

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...

It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.