two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Of course they can!"
If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?
The United States of America.
The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.
It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.
I just discovered that I can talk to cats
They probably don't understand me but still
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
What did the Doe say when she walked out of the bushes?
I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Why did the duck go to prison?
He got caught selling quack.
I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...
Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.
What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?
This place is 5k from a school, right?
Woman has a sore throat and asks for help
So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.
The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"
The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.
Coworker asks "Did it work"
Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".
Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day
Call that luck of the IRS.
I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...
Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...
No "F"s given.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
Ladies call me The Weather Man
I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.
Educated People are hot
Why?
Because they have more degrees.
What do you call two crows on a branch?
Attempted murder.