Jokes

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everybody

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

Do you know what I call my hiking playlist?

My trail mix

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"

The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

What kind of rooms do ghosts avoid?

Living rooms

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

Two IT techs are at the local gun range.

After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"

The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."

Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...

It's called wedding cake

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils...they dilate.

Why was Santa’s sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

I'm not convinced faith can move mountain's

But ive seen what it can do to skyscrapers