Jokes

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

What did the gingerbread man say when he orgasmed?

IM CRUMBING!!!!

A turkey was about to cross the road...

when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway.

A clown, a politian and a sex offender walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

How do you keep a fool waiting?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

Sperm banks be like:

Get a load of this guy

“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?”

“Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”