Jokes

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz

(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

You know what jokes are trendy these days ?

Inside jokes.

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had...

Does money even matter?

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.

(Too soon?)

Suicide Bomber

They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"

What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?

Neighbour