Jokes

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

Flush

I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.

A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having

Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.

The first joke I made up at age 7 - found in my first grade journal

Q: Where do robbers go to the bathroom

A: Arrest-room

Dj Khaled is like a Pokemon

All he does is shout his name

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Robin Hood then stabs the pauper with his sword,

"I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

A blonde walks into a library

and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger." the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library." the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."

What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?

Walking.

...

JK Rolling.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

To get to the other side