Jokes

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

Interesting crowd. Nsfw

A zoophiliac a necrophiliac a pyromaniac and a masochist are trying to find something to do.

First the zoophiliac says; -"let's find a cat and we can rape him", to which the necrophiliac responds; -"yes then we can kill it and rape him again", then the pyromaniac says; -"yes then we can burn him"

And finally the masochist says; - "meow".

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...

Me: Yeah but she has a good personality

If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...

I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"

Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards

Patient: And?

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

It's the little things in a marriage.

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling heroin on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?

Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."

Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."

Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."

I understand now why women have long hair

If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom

There was a plane crash and every single person died

All the married couples survived

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm. But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.