Jokes

NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?

We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar

He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"

"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"

"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"

Ventriloquist: yeah I do ventriloquism

Me: how good are you?

Me: the best

Me: wtf

Dear Americans, As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.

Greetings from Europe!

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend is a midget.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

Saudi Arabia’s gay pride anthem

“We will! We will! Rock you!”

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

EA walks into a bar.

Unlock the punchline for $9.99.

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.

Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"

"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

Last night they held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.