Body jokes

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.

Then i was born

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

I am transfinancial

I am a rich guy trapped in the body of a poor guy

What is reverse exorcism?

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils...they dilate.

Fact

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies...... Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts!

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite

Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.

Husband: Body of water, three letters.

Wife: Bay.

Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.

Wife: Bee.

Husband: To hush someone, four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.

Wife: Ark.

Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO