Body jokes

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

When it's been Halloween for a few months but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

When I’m bored I text a random number: "I hid the body... now what?"

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.

"What a shame" his dad said.

"He should have quit while he was ahead"

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

My three year old daughter asked me, “Where does poo come from?”

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

My son is a boy trapped in a womans body

He's coming out in 6 months

What do you call a pregnant woman?

A body builder

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey