Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You'll know tonight," he whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...
Is it a biography or an autobiography?
A guy walks into a bookstore and asks for a book on Pavlov and Schrodinger.
The book keeper says it rings a bell but he doesn't know if it is there or not.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."
A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...
...as "the most violent book I've ever read."
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!
What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book?
Tequila Mockingbird.
A book fell on my head...
I can only blame my shelf.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
I’ll call it my oughtabiography.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.
It was about time.
I called the library to try to make a reservation...
But they said they were fully booked.
My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records
But the librarian made me take it out.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,
... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
I walked into a library.
I said, "Have you got any books on..."
"Telepathy?"
"Yes."
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church
I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.
It’s a step by step guide.
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."