A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...
But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!
There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.
Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.
I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart
It was simple.
Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.
Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the TV wasn't on.
What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?
My cock.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Clock Shop
So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.
I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.
A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle
The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"
A farmer buys a young cock
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"
Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?
Because he was between a cock and a charred place.
They say when you shave it grows back thicker.
Can't wait to see my new cock.
My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.
"How's that going to help?" asked the waiter.
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
What did the horny hen say?
Any cock’ll doodle do!!
*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*
I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.
I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin." Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.