A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”
Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...
..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look confused and ask, “Why do you want to be a boxer?” He proudly replies, “So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.”
I'm an auto mechanic...
So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.
But I do understand the Trans mission.
Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?” “Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man
A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"
The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"
The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"
The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Say what you like about Donald Trump
You know... while you still can.
Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president
Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife
"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"
"No, flush it like everyone else"
People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.
But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.
Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!
Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!
Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best season, girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn what do you have to offer?
Autumn: * leaves *
Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....
eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!
If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?
**It’s quite urgent**
I visited my granddaughter last weekend.
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.