Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask him to pronounce "unionized"
If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..
My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."
If I am so dumb then...
How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus
I’m also 100% in jail
What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?
They should allow guns at the Republican convention
Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy
Hope I can pull it off.
What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?
Minor B flat
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
Waiter: "How would you like your steak sir?"
Me: "Medium?"
Medium: "I can see it, he wants it well done"
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
If a man opens the car door for his wife
You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
I'm great at sleeping...
In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed!
Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?
I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.
My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.
Except for stay.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I like the smell of mothballs.
But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.