Can jokes

Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.

To the wheelchair-bound thief who took my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?

Asking for a friend.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

Hey you wanna know why they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke

Where can you find a scientist that's into bestiality?

In his lab!

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.

"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

"Hey man, can I borrow your chloroform?"

"Sure! Knock yourself out."

Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

What do boobs and the sun have in common?

You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille

Something bad is about to happen....I can feel it

I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...

...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"