A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared
Apparently only DC movies can do that
I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”
She said, “Sure. How many letters?”
Me: I’m guessing—- Too many.
We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship
We can call it "Alien vs Predator"
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde
The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...
...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
What's the best thing about having alzeimhers disease?
You can hide your own easter eggs
Special Hand Job
Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny chick with big blue hair."
People are like lottery tickets.
You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?
It was trapped in the middle of 9-11
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common?
neither of us can last more than a minute :(
On the bright side...
We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.