Cook jokes

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

Did you know that French fries weren't first cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

A father and his son went outside for a walk.

The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : “Your going to have to eat some butter now!”

When they return back to their home, they find the kid’s mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : “I’ll leave you guys to it then.”

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !

*Happy Father’s Day!*

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for dinner...

Son - "mmmm smells good ma., what is it?"

Wife - "I'll give you a hint. It's what I call your father all the time."

Daughter - "SPIT IT OUT BILLY., IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!!"

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"