Dad jokes

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

An employee gets called into his boss’s office...

Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"

Employee: "Thanks, Dad".

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."

That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

A drunk man walks into a bakery...

He approaches the baker and says "I fucked your mother!" On which the baker replies "Go home dad"

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"

His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

A father and son go fishing...

Son: Dad, what do we do first?

Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean.

Son: Then what happens?

Father: What happens next will shock you.

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

Dads are like boomerangs..

..I hope.

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

Having gay parents must be wild

You either get twice the "dad" jokes or an endless loop of, "go ask your mother"