Good Kid!
A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, "How was school, son?" His son replied, "Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!" His father was overjoyed. He probed, "Good kid! What was the question?"
His son replied, "She asked, 'Who farted?' "
I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."
So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!
Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?
Boy: I won it in a race.
Dad: Nice! How many people were there?
Boy: Ummm . . . two others
Dad: Who were they?
Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember
Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them
Boy: Well, there was me . . .
Dad: And . . .?
Boy: The store owner and the police
I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.
"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.
I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I hate meeting dads.
That's why I only date black girls.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
After the delivery
(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)
A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...
She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.
COW!
SHEEP!
When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.
"It has horns" She said
But the class was silent
"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"
Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?
A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
How does a cat like its steak cooked...
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal
... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.
I don't always tell Dad jokes,
but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.