A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
Dad explained the difference between theory and reality.
Dad told me to ask mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Mom said she would. Dad then told me to ask my sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Sis said she would. Dad said right. In theory, we are sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we are living with two whores.
“My dad drives like the lightning!”
“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”
“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”
“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”
Son: “Why was it something I said?”
Dad: “Yes.”
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
A young boy comes home from school after learning about sexual health and asks
Boy - 'Dad what does a vagina look like?'
Father - 'Well son, that depends. Are you interested before sex or after sex?'
Boy - 'Urmmm, before'
Father - 'It resembles the beautiful petals on a rose'
Boy - ' And what about after sex?'
Father - ' Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?'
I always wanted to be a multimillionaire, just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multimillionaire too.
I've been in jail 5 minutes and already got raped twice
I'm fucking done playing monopoly with my dad.
How is your first car like anal?
You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway.
My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.
Except for stay.
Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?
Papa whale: From my penis.
Whale junior: Umm thanks?
Papa whale: You're whalecum
My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
My son said "Dad, does wanking give you muscles?"
I replied "I'm not sure son, but don't stop, I'm about to cum."
A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.
The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."
The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"
The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"
The little boy then kills a honeybee.
Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"
Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"
“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
My life used to be a joke
But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke
(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)
