A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears
Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches
“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”
I told my friend.
He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”
“ why should I ?”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."
They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.
One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting
After a while of the doctor asks: -“What do you do for a living” -“Im an archeologist” she answers The doctor responds: -“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?
It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.
I put a black hole in my living room.
It's great. Really pulls the room together.
Dead Again
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?
They both live off dead beetles
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
hold up
if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live
A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger
The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"
The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.
"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.
“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
What kind of rooms do ghosts avoid?
Living rooms
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex.
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree
The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."
Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".