A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Racial Humor
An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!
Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?
To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?
Casual tea
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided
To give up reading
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
What's a depressed person's favorite drink? Depresso espresso. JK, bleach.
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A guys walks into a bar...
...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.
"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.
"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.
"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.
"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"
Remember alcohol and calculus dont mix
So don't drink and derive
My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it"
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.