My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."
It's the little things in a marriage.
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
Bob the builder meets a pretty lass in the bar
He says to her, “I have an 8 inch dick and can fuck all night.” After a few drinks she takes him home and they fuck. The next day she says to him “You said your dick was 8 inches long and you could last all night. Instead, your dick was 5 inches and you only lasted 3 minutes!” He replies, “I’m a builder love, it’s only an estimate.”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer
You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?
Tastes like ass.
Coffee
When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
Really? I have the exact opposite.
Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
An Anteater walks into a bar....
Bartender says "can I get you a drink" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo"
Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"? Anteater replies "I was born with it".
One day, a cowboy rode into town.
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
I buy this girl a drink
So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”
The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”
The bartender replies “So three drinks?”
“What the hell is three?”
Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft!
I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous
For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."