A woman's husband dies and gets cremated
She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"
A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.
Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...
...So you can let me down one last time.
The person who invented autocorrect died recently.
May he roast in piss.
“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.
I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.
U2 was playing a concert in Ireland...
Bono took a pause after one of his songs, waited for the arena to go silent, and started clapping very slowly.
He then spoke softly "Everytime I clap" *clap* "A child dies in Africa" *clap*
And that's when some drunk guy stood up and shouted "Well then stop clapping you asshole!"
The man that invented human cloning has died .
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.
A plane is about to crash
A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What did Kim Jon Un say when his father died?
Looks like his Korea is over
My grief counselor died recently.
He was so good I really didn’t mind.
Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Why did Steve Jobs die?
Because Apple kept the doctors away.
My Wife was dying
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."