Eat jokes

In a lesbian relationship, which one makes the sandwiches?

Neither. They eat out.

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"

The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber...

I said "Woah what are you doing?! I was gonna eat that later....now its gonna be all disgusting and cucumbery"

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses. This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

I shit my pants the other day.

Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.

How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?

The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.

Vegan in a restaurant

Customer: I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten or carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and allergic to nuts. What should I get?

Waiter: the fuck out

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." SMACK! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie SMAACK! She slapped Suzie. "Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed. It completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

There’s no home cooking in lesbian households

only eating out