Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says
"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"
Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."
The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?
Little Tony shakes his head and says
"No, he minded his own fucking business!"
I can eat sugar with either hand...
I'm ambidextrose!
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
My three favorite things.
Eating my family and not using commas.
Why did the French guy only eat one egg?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Fuck you, Chelsey.
Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.
They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"
The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?
Teach a Nigerian to fish...
He'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people.
Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?
He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
A father and his son went outside for a walk.
The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : “Your going to have to eat some butter now!”
When they return back to their home, they find the kid’s mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : “I’ll leave you guys to it then.”
A young boy comes home from school after learning about sexual health and asks
Boy - 'Dad what does a vagina look like?'
Father - 'Well son, that depends. Are you interested before sex or after sex?'
Boy - 'Urmmm, before'
Father - 'It resembles the beautiful petals on a rose'
Boy - ' And what about after sex?'
Father - ' Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?'
Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.
Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!
My wife and I were camping...
and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."
How does a train eat?
It goes chew chew.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
What do you call an economist that likes to eat?
An economnomnomist
What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?
Taste buds.