Eating out jokes

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

I made a chicken salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer

One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas'

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

An Anteater walks into a bar....

Bartender says "can I get you a drink" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo"

Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"? Anteater replies "I was born with it".

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

Why do people never eat clocks?

Because it’s really time consuming.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

Hitler walks into a restaurant...

Adolf walks in to a restaurant and states, "I'm hungry!"

The owner asks, "Well, what do you want to eat?"

Hitler replies with, "As long as it's *not-sea*food, I'm sure I'll love it!"

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but can't eat it.