Ex jokes

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

I miss my ex sometimes

But my aim is getting better

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

But she figured out I was only after my money

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help. I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now...

But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.