How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”
I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.
So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
Your momma's so fat
she went to the food court and was found guilty.
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It doesn't last as long for fat people.
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
We should stop making fun of fat people
They have too much on their plate already
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...
There was a lot riding on me.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the TV wasn't on.
Not saying my Ex was fat
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."
"What was that?" snapped my wife.
"You herd."
What Ricky Gervais said after taking some digs at fat people at a show
"I don't want fat people to feel uncomfortable at my gigs. So next time, buy two seats"
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
If someone calls you fat, ignore them
You're bigger than that
Fat shaming is wrong.
They have enough on their plate already.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says
"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"
Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."
The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?
Little Tony shakes his head and says
"No, he minded his own fucking business!"
Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"
Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"
Wife: -"Yes I promise"
Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"
Why are there no fat people in Japan?
Last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died.
Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed?
It’s a piece of cake
Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...
It will be night time.