Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”
I told my friend.
He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”
“ why should I ?”
They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder
I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths
I asked my Roman friend for a high five
Got HIV instead
There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".
I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.
My friend asked me how I got such a nice body
I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"
My friend explains what the symbols on a map mean.
He is a legend.
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"
I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"
Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution
but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.
My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.
I just like the smell.
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..
I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
Harry was blind...
... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car
Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?
Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .
Guy : Leave it bro, it was my fault.
An Indian family went into self quarantine
after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.
Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.
Me: Why?
Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.
"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".
