An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."
The guy who invented USB died...
At the funeral they had to do a 180 with his coffin to get it in the hole.
Dead Again
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week...
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I want to hire a Mexican, An Italian and a Russian
To show up at my funeral in black suits and say "thank you boss", then leave. Just so that my Family and Friends would think I had something Big going on.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
You disturbed the first part of this funeral.
Just let us do the rest in peace.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
The man that invented human cloning has died .
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.
I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
"I hate going to weddings because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"