I jokes

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet...

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.

Words can't describe how beautiful someone is...

But numbers can. 4/10

If A is for apple, B is for banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...

But I'm sticking to my guns.

A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy...

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping off this ledge!”

The guy gets fed up and walks away..

“Where you going ?” asks the lady?

“I’m just gonna go wait for you at the bottom...”

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." SMACK! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie SMAACK! She slapped Suzie. "Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, 'cause I'm still here.

I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 911 documentary.