I jokes

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

The inventor of autocorrect walks into a bar

he asks for a bear

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin." Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Let me tell you a clean joke. Johny took a bath with bubbles.

Now let me tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles is his neighbor.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

There was a fight in a fish and chip shop!

Two fish got battered ;).

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.

The first American product they tested blew everyone away.